sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
