I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
