My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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