Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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