Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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