i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
