come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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