Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
