I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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