I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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