i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
