you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
