I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
