Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
