why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
