mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
