i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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