Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
a search helicopter?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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