I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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