i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
