I want to stick my p in your. b.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
