sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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