So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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