Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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