I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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