theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
