Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
