we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
