The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want to make out with him forever
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
