My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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