Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
