You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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