Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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