I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.