I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
