Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
