apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
