i just wanna soil my oats bro
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
