I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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