i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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