I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
