Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
