I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
