I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
