Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
