just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
