I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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