What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
