I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
