just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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