1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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