You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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