I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
