I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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