Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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