So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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