I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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