She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish I only lived at night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
