Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
