Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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