Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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