just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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