just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
